RELAPSE

DISCLAIMER: DESCRIPTION OF BLOOD AND SELF HARM BELOW. IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED PLEASE DON’T READ. I POST ONLY TO SHARE MY JOURNEY TO HELP, NOT HURT.

I’ve listed some resources: I’ve never used online therapy but I included it in case it’s more your speed. I’m not a doctor, yall.

https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Self-harm

https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1

Cerebral® Mental Health – With or Without InsuranceAd·https://www.cerebral.com/

https://www.betterhelp.com/

I find it so hard to write this post. I started this blog in hopes of helping someone through my journey. I hoped to share things I’ve learned that have helped me succeed in my recovery. I often repeat how self harm recovery is not a linear journey but I find myself starting back at square one. I’m not big on sharing super personal things but I feel obligated to share my most recent stumble. I say stumble and not fall because this does not mark my descent back into the addiction that has claimed so much of me. 

I relapsed. 

It’s been about two months so I feel like I’ve had enough time to process it.

My battle with anxiety and depression is a constant in my life. All the negative thoughts just keep coming and some days I feel powerless. I carry so much but never fully stop to work on it. I always think I’m fine, even when I see myself slowly slipping. Life with depression and anxiety is draining and I always seem to ignore what I’m feeling, until it’s too late. The final straw seemed to come one Saturday night while I sat in bed unsuccessfully trying to write a chapter of my upcoming novelette. If you don’t know, I dream of being an author and scriptwriter. The negative thoughts began to fill the space where my creativity once lived and I just snapped. Even as I held the blade in my hand, I saw nothing but fog. I was hopeless and needed the relief even if it would be temporary.  I wish I could explain exactly what I felt while doing it but to be honest, I don’t remember much. Self harm provides an escape that I’ve become so addicted to. Once the smoke cleared, I was left with gashes. For hours I tried stopping the bleeding; wrapping wads of tissue over soaked bandages covered with an old towel. Hour after hour panic began to creep in. What if I couldn’t stop the bleeding ? I hadn’t slept in a day. Maybe my body was too weak to handle this kind of blood loss, how much was I actually losing ? The worries would not stop. I eventually decided to go to the ER. As someone who prided herself in never getting medical attention for her wounds, I was feeling pretty low.  

At 4 am I approached the desk: “I think I need stitches, I have a cut that won’t stop bleeding. It’s been bleeding for hours.” The attendant just calmly replied, “ write your name down, take these, and have a seat”. I know she sounds rude but I appreciated her unbothered attitude, it made me feel less ashamed in some way. After getting called back, I took off my hoodie to reveal a haphazardly bandaged arm with scotch tape and blood logged tissues barely clinging to anything. As soon as the nurse removed it, all the blood came as if it were being poured out. Disgusting, I know, but it’s the reality of my situation. Again, another unbothered attitude helped tone down the embarrassment that would continuously creep up for the next few hours. I waited anxiously hoping the “what happened” question would not come up but alas it did. Maybe it was the lack of sleep but I blankly said: “I cut myself”. I saw the concern sprint across her face, but she never broke character. I made a joke, she chuckled and continued to make me feel as normal as possible. I felt everything but normal. I was put into a room, answered some insurance questions because even though I was having a life crisis, this is America, and how you are gonna pay still matters more. 

Anyway, the head nurse came in and looked at my wounds, deducing I would need several stitches to stop the bleeding and provide some chance of saving my skin. As she asked me questions about my mental health, I choked back so much truth. I minimized the situation, denying any suicidal thoughts. I was afraid my honesty would have me committed but that isn’t the way to think. Locking up your truths about your mental health only leaves room for it to grow. 

The pain was minimal by the time she finished; I laid back on the bed as the nurses began my release process, dozing off every few seconds. By now, it was already 8 am and I had to go to work (WRONG).  I worked for five minutes and felt the room begin to spin. I was doing it again, forcing myself past my limits. I hadn’t been listening to my body, even after the night I had. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY ! You are not weak for setting personal boundaries surrounding your mental health. As soon as I got home, I went straight to bed. My body and my mental state were in agreement: Girl go to sleep ! 

I could tell you about the rest of my day but this would turn into a full on novel and I’m trying to keep this short (ish). Everyday I look at my body, running my fingers over my scars, tracing each raised line. Wondering if these will be the last one’s I’ll have to watch heal. From an outsider’s perspective, the answer should simply be yes. I mean I am in control of it after all, right ? Well it’s not always that simple, struggling with self harm because of your mental health feels like playing roulette 24/7. You’re taking a chance never knowing if some unexpected situation or emotion will spin you out of control. You don’t have to feel that way. Below I’ll list a few tips that help me in times of relapse. I’m not a doctor, just a human trying to live life to it’s fullest potential. 

• Learn your triggers

• Feel your feelings

• Set your boundaries

• Work can wait

• Listen to your body. If it needs rest, do that. Food ? Pick something you love and enjoy it

• Therapy

• Have an escape plan: If all else fails run from those urges. I mean physically get up and move. Take yourself away from your tools or a situation increasing the urge

• If you end up self harming: Keep the wounds clean and seek medical attention. (I’m not encouraging cutting but I’m realistic and understand sometimes it ends up happening)

• Don’t feel guilty if you relapse. You haven’t lost the fight and progress can continue to be made

•  Be patient with yourself. Self harm is an addiction and it takes time to heal. 

• Trust someone. Find a person or people to talk to. Don’t be ashamed or fear being a burden. 

• Journal:Write down any and everything you feel before, during, or after. Writing is a great release. It doesn’t have to make sense or even have punctuation, it’s just for you.

• Ground yourself in truths. Think about what you’re telling yourself. If it tears you down, chances are it’s not true, therefore it’s a lie. We don’t do lies over here. 

• Be gentle with yourself.

• Treat yourself 

• Exercise (any movement helps)

• Set up a therapy appointment 

Sharing this wasn’t easy and I hope you all got something out of it. Thank you so much for your support. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section or my instagram: Talking_withat    

Stay Strong <3 

Fun Fact: I just had a bday, how old did I turn ?