I told myself I would never go. I would never pay a stranger to listen to all my issues. I said those words to myself after my first relapse. I was convinced that no matter who I talked to, I was always going to be this jumbled mess of emotions with no hope for clarity. I think a lot of people feel the same way. Why pay someone to listen to you vent for an hour ? In this post I’ll share my thoughts on therapy and where my life is now that I’ve started therapy.
Spring 2012 I sat in the commons of my university waiting for my first session with the school’s therapist. I had my sleeves pulled down, grasping the edges tightly in my fist because under no circumstances could I reveal my wounds. My mind was already made up that I wasn’t going to share anything, I was only there to satisfy my best friend and my then boyfriend. I was having a rough year and I thought I’d done a stellar job of concealing my issues. I fought so hard to feel in control that I didn’t realize I was out of control.
The door opened and my name was called; I actually felt like I was about to vomit walking into her office. After the pleasantries and introductions, she began explaining to me that she would be bound by law to expose any dangerous behavior that hurt myself or others. The red flag in my brain began to wave even though minutes before she feigned being trustworthy to get me to open up. I saw an enemy before me, for a split second I wanted to let someone in. I wanted someone to kick down the wall I had built and save me from slowly killing myself but I was not ready. I was not ready to hear that what I was doing was dangerous and that I didn’t have it under control. Anyone who tried to separate me from my self harm was against me in my mind. I left her office in silence and for the next two years I tossed every card she sent to my mailbox in the trash. Therapy was not for me and I vowed I would never step foot into another office again.
Fast forward to 2019, A LOT in my life had changed. I was older, pretending to be wiser, but still just as jumbled. I had my second major relapse in March and it carried on into the winter months. I became a hollow shell of who I wanted to be. I was cracking at the seams, smiling when I had to but crying and begging God to just end it all. For the first time since I was 10, I was scared of myself. I had reached rock bottom and doing it my way had not been successful, so I committed myself to trying a new way to heal. I had to break down the stigmas/ myths surrounding therapy so I could give myself a fighting chance.
What i’ve learned:
- You don’t have to be at your worst to go to therapy. Sometimes it’s just good to talk and share the good things.
2. You aren’t weak if you choose therapy.
3. You aren’t a bad person if you don’t.
4. Therapy isn’t an instant fix. You have to be willing, patient, and consistent.
5. Therapy can be expensive but there are affordable options out there
6. Sometimes talking out your thoughts helps you sort and understand them better
7. Needing/wanting therapy doesn’t make you “crazy”
8. You are worthy of love
9.You aren’t your mental health issues
10. No one can force you to heal. The choice is yours and you aren’t on a time table.
11.It’s ok to say NO to others when you need to say YES to yourself
12.Therapy doesn’t have to be part of your life forever UNLESS you want it to be.
13.You may have to try more than one therapist before you find the right one.
14.Therapy isn’t for everyone
15.DON’T EVER BE AFRAID TO REACH OUT FOR HELP
If you read this and feel completely unchanged, that’s ok. My goal isn’t to force anyone into therapy but instead share my experiences. For my youths out there, I know it’s scary trying to process and deal with emotions. If you are interested in therapy but can’t or don’t feel able to tell your parents, try talking to another trusted individual that can get you the help you’re seeking. I hope you guys enjoyed reading this week’s post and stay tuned for a special post tomorrow 5/9/21.
Learn about different types of therapy : https://thewellnesssociety.org
Wanna try online therapy : https://www.betterhelp.com https://try.talkspace.com
Online therapy options for youths: https://www.healthline.com
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
Fun Fact: I got this shirt from Goodwill for $3 🙂