August of 2023, I sat in my car doing my regularly scheduled therapy session. Since Covid I discovered therapy can occur over the phone and I never went back.
I began spewing out everything on my mind. *Katie (not her real name) listened, waiting for a second to jump in and direct me onto one topic. She asked if I was finally ready, I mean really ready to commit to taking medicine full time. At least long enough to see if it would help. I agreed because frankly I felt I only had two options left and one would be irreversible.
Moments later I told her how desperate I was to feel balanced and how I didn’t understand why my depression had gotten so bad. “I don’t believe we’re dealing with just depression here,” she said slowly. I could tell she was apprehensive about finishing her sentence but had come too far to retreat; “you’re bi-polar and I think a mood stabilizer would help a lot”. My heart sank as my eyes welled with tears, how was this real ? Sure I have mood issues that I believed to be BPD (borderline personality disorder) but being Bi Polar felt unacceptable.
Just when I thought my self esteem couldn’t take another hit, it did. I finally started making peace with my self- esteem and suddenly I plummeted into feeling worthless. I was ashamed, uncertain, angry, and confused. I actually have a chemical imbalance in my brain so lots of the things I struggle with aren’t just me not “trying” hard enough. I don’t have to blame myself anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do. Being diagnosed has helped put things in perspective but I also take accountability for my own suffering. I don’t let being Bi-Polar become my identity.
So does being diagnosed help or hurt ? Yes, it’s helped me so much to know. I show myself grace, patience, and lots of love as I navigate this journey. I still have days where the negative self talk really takes me under. Pinning me down like an unexpected current but somehow I keep popping back up which means I’m not ready to give up on myself.
I encourage any and everyone who feels lost in the journey of healing to seek out help or treatment. Being Bi-Polar is definitely a curve ball I wasn’t prepared for but I’m learning how to build a plan that keeps me going and I hope you will too.
I love your perspective and honesty here! I think it’s so hard to hear a “real” diagnosis, even if we weigh that as an option in the back of our minds sometimes anyway. I hope it continues to make it easier to stay on your path toward feeling balanced and happy all the time (or at least most). Thanks for the reminder, too, that we have a role in our healing by staying accountable and not letting a disorder or imbalance become our identity. I struggle with this occasionally and we are so much more than that! Love you! Glad you’re back 🙂