Author: Admin

The last post promised so much creativity but reality is I have no hope. I’ve lost my ability, love, and focus to create. I’ve been merely existing, pinging from one thing to another never being fully present in anything. Months have passed and i’ve not been able to complete a single creative task. I’m depressed, exhausted, and hopeless. I wish I had positive words to share but I don’t. I have no light to shine into this world. I am without passion and feel without purpose. No need to be alarmed, I just wanted to let those of you who support this blog know whats going on. Thank you for your support up until now but I don’t see a future with this blog. I wish you all well in your journeys.

Last week I sifted through the comments section of my blog. I don’t usually do that because I forget to check them but this time I read a comment that made me think. I didn’t respond to this person because I owe no explanation for things I post. The comment was wrapped in a backhanded compliment that made me a bit hesitant to post anymore content. However, I’m not one to shy away from my truth so here I am again. I want you all to know the things I tell you come from my heart. I’m only sharing events in my life and things that have worked for me. I’m not a licensed mental health expert, just a human wanting to help others. Moving forward, I will keep discussing my mental health journey but also want to share some of my other interests. I write fiction, enjoy thrift shopping, and love makeup so I will be bringing those things to this blog. I’m not exactly sure how the schedule will work but once I figure it out, I plan to set up a way for you all to know when I post. One more change that will take place involves the look of my blog. I want something much more colorful that represents me but I’m not computer savvy; if anyone knows graphic design let me know. Thank you for supporting me this far and I hope I can continue to help.

No clue where this is but I wanna go. Where do you want to travel ?

DISCLAIMER: DESCRIPTION OF BLOOD AND SELF HARM BELOW. IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED PLEASE DON’T READ. I POST ONLY TO SHARE MY JOURNEY TO HELP, NOT HURT.

I’ve listed some resources: I’ve never used online therapy but I included it in case it’s more your speed. I’m not a doctor, yall.

https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Self-harm

https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1

Cerebral® Mental Health – With or Without InsuranceAd·https://www.cerebral.com/

https://www.betterhelp.com/

I find it so hard to write this post. I started this blog in hopes of helping someone through my journey. I hoped to share things I’ve learned that have helped me succeed in my recovery. I often repeat how self harm recovery is not a linear journey but I find myself starting back at square one. I’m not big on sharing super personal things but I feel obligated to share my most recent stumble. I say stumble and not fall because this does not mark my descent back into the addiction that has claimed so much of me. 

I relapsed. 

It’s been about two months so I feel like I’ve had enough time to process it.

My battle with anxiety and depression is a constant in my life. All the negative thoughts just keep coming and some days I feel powerless. I carry so much but never fully stop to work on it. I always think I’m fine, even when I see myself slowly slipping. Life with depression and anxiety is draining and I always seem to ignore what I’m feeling, until it’s too late. The final straw seemed to come one Saturday night while I sat in bed unsuccessfully trying to write a chapter of my upcoming novelette. If you don’t know, I dream of being an author and scriptwriter. The negative thoughts began to fill the space where my creativity once lived and I just snapped. Even as I held the blade in my hand, I saw nothing but fog. I was hopeless and needed the relief even if it would be temporary.  I wish I could explain exactly what I felt while doing it but to be honest, I don’t remember much. Self harm provides an escape that I’ve become so addicted to. Once the smoke cleared, I was left with gashes. For hours I tried stopping the bleeding; wrapping wads of tissue over soaked bandages covered with an old towel. Hour after hour panic began to creep in. What if I couldn’t stop the bleeding ? I hadn’t slept in a day. Maybe my body was too weak to handle this kind of blood loss, how much was I actually losing ? The worries would not stop. I eventually decided to go to the ER. As someone who prided herself in never getting medical attention for her wounds, I was feeling pretty low.  

At 4 am I approached the desk: “I think I need stitches, I have a cut that won’t stop bleeding. It’s been bleeding for hours.” The attendant just calmly replied, “ write your name down, take these, and have a seat”. I know she sounds rude but I appreciated her unbothered attitude, it made me feel less ashamed in some way. After getting called back, I took off my hoodie to reveal a haphazardly bandaged arm with scotch tape and blood logged tissues barely clinging to anything. As soon as the nurse removed it, all the blood came as if it were being poured out. Disgusting, I know, but it’s the reality of my situation. Again, another unbothered attitude helped tone down the embarrassment that would continuously creep up for the next few hours. I waited anxiously hoping the “what happened” question would not come up but alas it did. Maybe it was the lack of sleep but I blankly said: “I cut myself”. I saw the concern sprint across her face, but she never broke character. I made a joke, she chuckled and continued to make me feel as normal as possible. I felt everything but normal. I was put into a room, answered some insurance questions because even though I was having a life crisis, this is America, and how you are gonna pay still matters more. 

Anyway, the head nurse came in and looked at my wounds, deducing I would need several stitches to stop the bleeding and provide some chance of saving my skin. As she asked me questions about my mental health, I choked back so much truth. I minimized the situation, denying any suicidal thoughts. I was afraid my honesty would have me committed but that isn’t the way to think. Locking up your truths about your mental health only leaves room for it to grow. 

The pain was minimal by the time she finished; I laid back on the bed as the nurses began my release process, dozing off every few seconds. By now, it was already 8 am and I had to go to work (WRONG).  I worked for five minutes and felt the room begin to spin. I was doing it again, forcing myself past my limits. I hadn’t been listening to my body, even after the night I had. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY ! You are not weak for setting personal boundaries surrounding your mental health. As soon as I got home, I went straight to bed. My body and my mental state were in agreement: Girl go to sleep ! 

I could tell you about the rest of my day but this would turn into a full on novel and I’m trying to keep this short (ish). Everyday I look at my body, running my fingers over my scars, tracing each raised line. Wondering if these will be the last one’s I’ll have to watch heal. From an outsider’s perspective, the answer should simply be yes. I mean I am in control of it after all, right ? Well it’s not always that simple, struggling with self harm because of your mental health feels like playing roulette 24/7. You’re taking a chance never knowing if some unexpected situation or emotion will spin you out of control. You don’t have to feel that way. Below I’ll list a few tips that help me in times of relapse. I’m not a doctor, just a human trying to live life to it’s fullest potential. 

• Learn your triggers

• Feel your feelings

• Set your boundaries

• Work can wait

• Listen to your body. If it needs rest, do that. Food ? Pick something you love and enjoy it

• Therapy

• Have an escape plan: If all else fails run from those urges. I mean physically get up and move. Take yourself away from your tools or a situation increasing the urge

• If you end up self harming: Keep the wounds clean and seek medical attention. (I’m not encouraging cutting but I’m realistic and understand sometimes it ends up happening)

• Don’t feel guilty if you relapse. You haven’t lost the fight and progress can continue to be made

•  Be patient with yourself. Self harm is an addiction and it takes time to heal. 

• Trust someone. Find a person or people to talk to. Don’t be ashamed or fear being a burden. 

• Journal:Write down any and everything you feel before, during, or after. Writing is a great release. It doesn’t have to make sense or even have punctuation, it’s just for you.

• Ground yourself in truths. Think about what you’re telling yourself. If it tears you down, chances are it’s not true, therefore it’s a lie. We don’t do lies over here. 

• Be gentle with yourself.

• Treat yourself 

• Exercise (any movement helps)

• Set up a therapy appointment 

Sharing this wasn’t easy and I hope you all got something out of it. Thank you so much for your support. Feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section or my instagram: Talking_withat    

Stay Strong <3 

Fun Fact: I just had a bday, how old did I turn ?

I wish I had some grand plan or catchy saying to share with you guys for the new year but instead I have a lot of unfinished starts. Last year I set out with intentions to post multiple times a month, have abs, build my brand on Instagram, have a bomb Youtube channel but instead I haven’t exactly hit all the marks. I guess sometimes that’s life huh ? We set goals, life happens then at the end of it all we look back with disappointment at what we “should” have completed. You know what I say to that F*** it. So you didn’t complete the list of things you’d hoped for. Don’t get me wrong I definitely support setting and completing goals but I don’t support beating yourself up when things don’t pan out perfectly. Trust me, this is a battle I fight with myself daily because I often tie my worth to my successes. However, that should not dictate how you see your progress.The small victories count no matter what expectations you set for yourself.

 I’ll share a few small things I’ll continue to work on from the past year. January 2021 I vowed to have abs and a more toned body. I said I would go to the gym, change my diet, and cut out sugar completely. Surprise guys it didn’t happen, instead I workout from home 3 days of the week, white cheeto puffs have become integral in my meal plan, and sometimes I choose two cookies over an apple. I thought by now I would have a popular Youtube channel with millions of followers and sponsorships. I planned to buy a boss ass camera, record makeup videos while discussing my self harm journey. Over time, I realized I didn’t enjoy making content for fear of it not being good enough. I’m 4 videos in with twelve subscribers (most being my family), I film on my phone and cringe at my editing but, do I have a channel ? Yes. Do I enjoy making my videos ? Yes. So I guess I didn’t fail, it just hasn’t become what I hope for, YET. I don’t have my abs but I’ve made improvements and all I have to do is continue on this path. I realize I want to prioritize my mental, physical, and spiritual health; I want my writing/Youtube dreams to be realized too  but sometimes I won’t check off all the boxes. In 2022, I hope we all learn to set goals, accomplish them, but realize it’s not all a wash if things don’t go as planned. Don’t bog yourself down with a laundry list of resolutions but instead commit to your journey with the full expectation of life happening. The new year is a fresh start so stay focused, enjoy each chapter, and choose the cookie over the apple every once in a while. Thank you guys for supporting me, I will continue to post but you can also check out my Youtube channel: Talking With AT (shameless plug).  God bless everyone in 2022. -AT 

Hey guys, just wanted to post a small reminder that even the smallest steps count as victories I hope you enjoy this short post and stayed tuned for my next youtube video.

It can be so hard to appreciate an accomplishment unless it’s something major. Everyone is so focused on instant success and gaining control of life, we forget that small victories matter too. As a recovering self harmer, I have experienced a lot of relapses. Sometimes I go months, a year, and suddenly 3 years pass and I’m on top of the world. Abruptly, I hit a low that brings me right back to cutting. After I’ve done it, I feel relieved, numb even but quickly realize that I have just ruined a 3 year streak and now I have to start all over. I completely miss the fact that just two days before I rocked myself to sleep until the urge subsided. I didn’t cut that night and it counted. It counts when we make even the smallest things happen. I appreciate my falls and my stumbles so much more now because I know that I had to be upright and moving forward to even fall down in the first place.  Self harm is a hard thing to beat and to be honest it may always be something I struggle with but as long as I remember to celebrate my progress, I’m winning. Give yourself credit no matter how big or small, it’s still a victory. 

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to my beautiful mother and all the other mothers out there. It doesn’t matter if you’re biologically a mom, missing a mom, or a mom who’s lost; once a mother, always a mother, the number of children doesn’t change that. I know this day can be beautiful and hard for so many. I lost my mom 4 years ago and not one day passes that I don’t wish she was here. Today’s post won’t be super long or even sad, I actually just wanted to share a few fun memories. I hope those of you who are hurting find comfort today and do something to honor your mom. 

To have known my mom is to love her. I’ve never met a more calm human in my life, not much could get under her skin. My mom possessed a quiet strength and a regal attitude that made everyone she met want to know her more. I thank God i’m part of her and I know she’s loving me from above.

Happy Mother’s Day to a true bad ass. I love you Mama forever.

I told myself I would never go. I would never pay a stranger to listen to all my issues. I said those words to myself after my first relapse. I was convinced that no matter who I talked to, I was always going to be this jumbled mess of emotions with no hope for clarity. I think a lot of people feel the same way. Why pay someone to listen to you vent for an hour ? In this post I’ll share my thoughts on therapy and where my life is now that I’ve started therapy. 

Spring 2012 I sat in the commons of my university waiting for my first session with the school’s therapist. I had my sleeves pulled down, grasping the edges tightly in my fist because under no circumstances could I reveal my wounds. My mind was already made up that I wasn’t going to share anything, I was only there to satisfy my best friend and my then boyfriend. I was having a rough year and I thought I’d done a stellar job of concealing my issues. I fought so hard to feel in control that I didn’t realize I was out of control. 

The door opened and my name was called; I actually felt like I was about to vomit walking into her office. After the pleasantries and introductions, she began explaining to me that she would be bound by law to expose any dangerous behavior that hurt myself or others. The red flag in my brain began to wave even though minutes before she feigned being trustworthy to get me to open up. I saw an enemy before me, for a split second I wanted to let someone in. I wanted someone to kick down the wall I had built and save me from slowly killing myself but I was not ready. I was not ready to hear that what I was doing was dangerous and that I didn’t have it under control. Anyone who tried to separate me from my self harm was against me in my mind. I left her office in silence and for the next two years I tossed every card she sent to my mailbox in the trash. Therapy was not for me and I vowed I would never step foot into another office again. 

Fast forward to 2019, A LOT in my life had changed. I was older, pretending to be wiser, but still just as jumbled. I had my second major relapse in March and it carried on into the winter months. I became a hollow shell of who I wanted to be. I was cracking at the seams, smiling when I had to but crying and begging God to just end it all. For the first time since I was 10, I was scared of myself. I had reached rock bottom and doing it my way had not been successful, so I committed myself to trying a new way to heal. I had to break down the stigmas/ myths surrounding therapy so I could give myself a fighting chance. 

What i’ve learned: 

1. You don’t have to be at your worst to go to therapy. Sometimes it’s just good to talk and share the good things.

2. You aren’t weak if you choose therapy.

3. You aren’t a bad person if you don’t.

4. Therapy isn’t an instant fix. You have to be willing, patient, and consistent.

5. Therapy can be expensive but there are affordable options out there

6. Sometimes talking out your thoughts helps you sort and understand them better

7. Needing/wanting therapy doesn’t make you “crazy”

8. You are worthy of love

9.You aren’t your mental health issues

10. No one can force you to heal. The choice is yours and you aren’t on a time table.

11.It’s ok to say NO to others when you need to say YES to yourself

12.Therapy doesn’t have to be part of your life forever UNLESS you want it to be.

13.You may have to try more than one therapist before you find the right one. 

14.Therapy isn’t for everyone

15.DON’T EVER BE AFRAID TO REACH OUT FOR HELP

If you read this and feel completely unchanged, that’s ok. My goal isn’t to force anyone into therapy but instead share my experiences. For my youths out there, I know it’s scary trying to process and deal with emotions. If you are interested in therapy but can’t or don’t feel able to tell your parents, try talking to another trusted individual that can get you the help you’re seeking.  I hope you guys enjoyed reading this week’s post and stay tuned for a special post tomorrow 5/9/21. 

 Learn about different types of therapy : https://thewellnesssociety.org 

Wanna try online therapy : https://www.betterhelp.com    https://try.talkspace.com 

Online therapy options for youths: https://www.healthline.com

 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

Fun Fact: I got this shirt from Goodwill for $3 🙂

Disclaimer: Healed self harm scars will be pictured at the end of this post. If you are easily triggered please refrain from looking at the image. It’s intended to promote growth in my journey. Thanks.

It’s the worst feeling to walk confidently into a room only to realize you are the center of attention but, not for the reasons you had hoped. Unfortunately, that scenario has been my reality far to many times. Imagine, your best friend’s wedding and you’re one of her treasured bridesmaids. Everyone is decked out in their dresses, adrenaline pumping because the music has begun, it’s show time. I was smiling on the outside but my stomach was churning on the inside; how in the hell was I gonna walk out into a room full of people ? Let alone people I didn’t know or hadn’t seen since college, what would they think of my arm ? My eyes welled up with tears as I began walking down the aisle; just keep swimming I repeated in my head. Long story short: I was ashamed but crushed that feeling by just doing what scared me- being seen.

Now, don’t be fooled I don’t always take charge of my shame. In fact, I’ve had many times where it won. I spent lots of awkward moments scanning a room for a familiar face or the nearest bathroom to hide in until I was able to talk myself down. Sometimes I wasn’t able to deal and I would just leave. I felt even more ashamed for not being able to stand in my truth and own it but, I’ve learned that i’m human and it’s ok to have moments like those.

I wish I could say that after struggling with self harm for almost 18 years I’ve become the perfect self-assured human but, how untrue that would be; an absolute lie. I would be doing myself and you a huge disservice by pretending i’ve mastered this whole recovery process; I have not. To be frank I have a shit ton of scars and in no way can I hide them nor should I feel I have too. My shame is perpetuated by this idea that anything less than perfect is unloveable or worthless. For my fellow self harmers please hear me when I say : DO NOT BE ASHAMED YOU ARE VALUABLE. Do not let your guilt or voices in this world be louder than the fighter in you. I promise you their will be those who talk about your scars, those who judge but, also those who love and want you well. Being ashamed of what you did to survive your battle doesn’t make you less than, it simply means you fought your way home. Dismantle shame by doing what scares you while understanding you’re human and deserve to be kind to yourself.

I know how much it hurts to be judged, I know what that does to your confidence but I just keep swimming right past the bullshit. I hope in some way I’ve helped someone struggling with shame. No matter what stage you’re in on your journey, just keep swimming. Feel free to connect with me on my instagram: talking_withat

Me and one of my dearest besties on her wedding day. To think shame almost kept me from this memory, I think not.

Self Harm-the act of purposely hurting oneself (as by cutting or burning the skin) as an emotional coping mechanism. (Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Most people associate self harm with cutting but it can be any form of intentional self destructive behavior. I’ll be specifically discussing cutting for the majority of my posts but self harm is not limited to that. For years, I struggled in secret, cutting whenever I needed that release but my self harm started long before I cut. I was damaging my mind. My thoughts were dark and weighed heavy on me, so much so that I found cutting to be my only relief. At the time I didn’t know the war I had started within myself. I would say the ugliest things to myself and eventually I became consumed. I lost the good parts of me to cutting and i’ve spent years slowly rebuilding from the destruction. The way we think or who and what we allow in our lives can destroy us mentally. Everyone won’t be covered in scars but we are all battling something so we must remember to combat the negatives with positives. Self harm can be physical or mental but neither should be ignored. I hate to sound like a PSA but truly reach out if you or someone you know is struggling. I’ll leave a few resources down below and feel free to chat with me.

Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255

Self Harm Text Line- Text HOME 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor

WE did it ! Finally made it to 2021, so there’s no need to dwell on the nightmare of 2020. The new year is always riddled with resolutions and fresh starts, but what if your issues carry over ? I asked myself that question for years; I couldn’t understand how everyone around me was able to just pretend like the past year didn’t happen. It wasn’t until 2020 that I discovered how important it was for me to acknowledge my past in order to create the future I wanted. If you are still facing challenges, whether it be physical, spiritual, financial, or mental know that it’s ok. It’s ok to still be struggling but not ok to sit in it too long, so what’s been my solution you ask. Instead of making a long list of resolutions, I decided to embrace the new year by establishing a routine that would help me navigate my struggles. Remember to be patient with yourself as you work on you; Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will you.