There was once a time when I thought I needed everything. My closet stayed packed and each time I moved, I noticed that I had very little room to breathe. It was like one day I woke up and I no longer wanted all this stuff I’d collected. My constant need to buy things was just an attempt to fill a void. No matter what I bought, I still wasn’t at peace.
At 24 I began growing into the “new” me. Fragments of my younger self remained but I wanted a new life. A new sense of purpose and appreciation for life as it should be. Not just for the material things I had. I wanted more out of life and that meant I needed less.
It’s taken years but I’ve finally committed to the idea of less equals more. Minimalism felt like the answer I’d been looking for so in recent months I’ve fully embraced it. I’ve gone through my closet multiple times , each time purging a few pieces I never wore but always “thought” I would. My hair, makeup, and skincare collections have shrunk drastically.
I assume I’m going through another growth phase and I’m fully ready to embrace it. I plan to keep everyone up to date on my minimalist journey on my YouTube channel: talking with at.
If you know me at all then you know I make it a point to say I’m single. At first I felt ashamed because quite frankly being single at 32 was not the plan. Funny thing about life, it doesn’t always go to plan. After my most recent break up, I realized how important it is that I show myself love. No more yearning for that dream person to come around and give me all the love I want. No maam, we are learning to love ourselves. Now don’t get me wrong at some point in my life, I do hope to find the one whom my soul loves but I’m not holding my breath. In this season of “romantic isolation”, I’ve rediscovered parts of who I am and what I enjoy with no outside influences.
Take myself shopping
Take myself to dinner: I spare no expense
Workout: even if it’s a home workout
Try new activities I’m afraid to do alone
Solo trips
Journaling
Cleaning my space/ self care
Devotionals: my spiritual growth is a major component to my personal well being.
Get dressed: I will throw on a dress and some makeup because sometimes you need to remind yourself you are that one.
Laugh. I never miss a moment to find the humor in life.
I have been through a few relationships. Each one left it’s own mark on me but now I see them as lessons. The most important one is that no matter who is or isn’t in my life, I need to love me.
August of 2023, I sat in my car doing my regularly scheduled therapy session. Since Covid I discovered therapy can occur over the phone and I never went back. I began spewing out everything on my mind. *Katie (not her real name) listened, waiting for a second to jump in and direct me onto one topic. She asked if I was finally ready, I mean really ready to commit to taking medicine full time. At least long enough to see if it would help. I agreed because frankly I felt I only had two options left and one would be irreversible.
Moments later I told her how desperate I was to feel balanced and how I didn’t understand why my depression had gotten so bad. “I don’t believe we’re dealing with just depression here,” she said slowly. I could tell she was apprehensive about finishing her sentence but had come too far to retreat; “you’re bi-polar and I think a mood stabilizer would help a lot”. My heart sank as my eyes welled with tears, how was this real ? Sure I have mood issues that I believed to be BPD (borderline personality disorder) but being Bi Polar felt unacceptable.
Just when I thought my self esteem couldn’t take another hit, it did. I finally started making peace with my self- esteem and suddenly I plummeted into feeling worthless. I was ashamed, uncertain, angry, and confused. I actually have a chemical imbalance in my brain so lots of the things I struggle with aren’t just me not “trying” hard enough. I don’t have to blame myself anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do. Being diagnosed has helped put things in perspective but I also take accountability for my own suffering. I don’t let being Bi-Polar become my identity.
So does being diagnosed help or hurt ? Yes, it’s helped me so much to know. I show myself grace, patience, and lots of love as I navigate this journey. I still have days where the negative self talk really takes me under. Pinning me down like an unexpected current but somehow I keep popping back up which means I’m not ready to give up on myself.
I encourage any and everyone who feels lost in the journey of healing to seek out help or treatment. Being Bi-Polar is definitely a curve ball I wasn’t prepared for but I’m learning how to build a plan that keeps me going and I hope you will too.
Merry Christmas, Merry “Not” Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or just family celebration time to all. The holidays have always been my favorite time of year. It seemed like everyone was nice, snow covered neighborhoods were a given, and the smell of hot chocolate just lived in the air or at least thats what it felt like as a kid. I have to say the magic of christmas has fizzled out for me. Especially since I barely have enough money to pay bills, let alone buy everyone gifts. I decided to focus on enjoying the magic of Christmas this year and not give in to buying useless gifts that will fade into the background as the new year comes. I hope all of you can remember this time isn’t just about rampant consumerism but just about enjoying yourself and those you love.
I love makeup and skincare in such an insane way that I’ve compiled a list of my fave products. I decided to just choose a few products from each category. I’m not sponsored by any of these brands but hopefully one day soon I will be.
Makeup
Choosing my favorite makeup product was pretty easy since I’ve not been into lots of heavy makeup lately. I mix primer and Loreal Glotion in Deep all over my face. The Glotion is kind of expensive for a drugstore product then again $11 really isn’t going to break the bank. My face looks healthy and glowy under any foundation I use without me looking greasy.
Skincare: My first experience with the Tula Protect +Glow daily sunscreen gel spf 30 UVB+UVA protection was in an Ipsy box. I wasn’t educated on the importance of sunscreen for my dark skin so I was apprehensive about the product. I’m so glad I used it because it’s hands down my favorite face sunscreen on the market. Priced at about $40, Tula sunscreen is worth the price because it lasts a while as you only need a small amount. Every once in a while my skin gets dry and this doubles as a light, glowy moisturizer while protecting from UVB+UVA rays.
Haircare
My hair and I have been through so much but finally i’ve found products that work for me. I have very thick, coarse hair that requires so much moisture but Renpure coconut and vitamin E leave in conditioner sealed with Maui Moisture coconut oil spray really keeps it soft. Both products smell amazing and together I spent $13.
Bodycare
Narrowing down my favorite body care product came down to what was the newest product I had. For some reason, I have the driest skin in the world all year round so I’m constantly looking for a good lotion. One magical day I walked into Trader Joe’s and I saw the pumpkin body butter. I’m not a pumpkin girl but I love to smell like baked goods so I grabbed it. I’m so grateful I did because my skin stays super soft and it was only $5.
Oral Care
I like to think of myself as a humble person but when it comes to my teeth I’m unapologetically vain. I had braces, I have Invisalign, and I never miss a dentist visit. I love my smile to stay healthy and bright so I use Crest 3D white toothpaste. I have sensitive teeth so I tend to alternate between uses but it definitely keeps my whites pearly. $1.25 (dollar tree)
I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted and I have no excuse. My writing career is one of the most challenging things in my life but it is my life and I will continuously come back to it. I know my journey will help someone so I will not stop, even if I struggle with consistency. Anywho, today’s post is about Mothers ! It will be short and sweet but very necessary.
As many of you know, I lost my mom about seven years ago and not one day goes by where it doesn’t hurt. Instead of allowing myself to slip into the deep abyss that is grief I’m going to write a post in her honor.
Lessons From Mama-
Stop whining and get it done
It’s ok to ask for help
Always find Laugher
Love selflessly
My mom was the most amazing human I’ve ever known and I’m so thankful to be a part of her. Happy heavenly Mother’s Day queen.
Follow me on Instagram to know why I chose this picture lol Talking_withAT
I wrote this post to say what I wanted my loved ones to know. Maybe some of you can relate…
Dear Loved One who may not understand, I know I’ve been distant lately, maybe even a bit irritable and for that I’m sorry. I know you don’t think I’ve noticed but I see the frustration and the hurt in your eyes each time you realize I’m not better. I don’t want to keep lying to you but I want to protect you from this as long as I can. I can’t let my issues become your burdens, so you see my silence and lies come from a place of protection.
I know my cutting scares you and sometimes it scares me too but I feel it’s all I have. My depression and anxiety literally feel like weights crushing my chest. No, I’m not being dramatic or overusing the terms to cover up my inability to cope with life. I’m honestly letting you know I’m struggling and it hurts. I hurt so deeply; cutting is always there when I need it even if I know I’ll feel guilty then I’ll vow to stop .
Unfortunately, that’s the cycle I’m stuck in and maybe I’m not ready to get help but I don’t want you to give up on me. Please don’t, I’ve had so many people in my life give up on me. I’ve given up on but I need you to believe in me. I guess I’m just asking that you love me through this and be patient with me; I’ll be patient with you too. I know this isn’t easy. Watching me destroy myself slowly but I promise I won’t stop trying to heal. Well, I guess that’s all I have to say, till next time. Sincerely, Warrior
Asking the question, why don’t you just stop ? It doesn’t help. Self harm is a complex issue, typically a symptom of a bigger problem. If you’re self harming, please seek help. There’s no shame in reaching out. Dealing with self harm is hard for all involved but patience is key.
To all who read my blog, thank you and stay strong.
I figured a get to know me post would be a fun way to learn about me. I’ve come up with a random list of interesting facts. Hopefully this brings you guys closer and offers some insight into who I am. Feel free to comment and let me know a bit about you. Thanks for reading.
I’m only 7 years old
My favorite food is sushi
I’ve never broken a bone
I lived out of the country for a week
I hate planes
I’m lactose intolerant
My favorite color is purple
I hid the first two tattoos I ever got from my parents
I’m a procrastinator
If I get married- most of the money goes to the cake and food
I’m part of a sorority
I played powderpuff football in highschool
I love the smell of shoe stores
I have one word I CAN NOT stand (Those close to me know this word)
Depression is a relentless beast i’ve battled since I was ten years old. At 30, I’m still learning how to navigate my daily life as to not let the depression consume me. However, I’ve lost a bit of my magic. I remember a time when I found so much comfort and enjoyment out of getting glam. I loved watching a Youtube video to try and recreate a look. I don’t do that anymore. The past two weeks have been hell for me mentally. The moment I open my eyes, my heart races with fear that at any second my depression would realize I was awake and attack me. It’s important to mention that I’ve probably slept through two alarms so that “i’m gonna be late panic” also kicks into high gear.
The combo of anxiety and depression set me up for a morning where i’m just glad to make it to work on time. I usually whip into work with 10-15 mins to spare but I typically look very “comfy chic”. I love my sweats and hoodies but during my depressive episodes i’ve learned its a huge help when I try to amp up my look. So below i’ll list what I do to look presentable. My routine may not work for everyone so feel free to make it your own.
Outfit
Whatever your personal style is pick an outfit that makes you feel beautiful. Don’t base it off of what others will think. I typically go for Adidas sweatpants and a fitted black shirt or thrifted hoodie with jeans. I pair that with my Adidas Ultraboost, slip on Vans, Docs, or my comfy Uggs. It always depends on what socks I can find. I wear “diamond” studs and a gold necklace daily so my jewelry is pretty simple. I encourage staple pieces that will add oomph to any outfit.
Hair
Clean hair is number 1. If you have to do a full wash day routine (like me) or spray dry shampoo in the car, just keep it fresh.
Depending on your hair type, pick a style that accentuates your face shape. A slick bun is always a win in my book but if your hair is to short, maybe try a headband or just let your natural texture shine.
I have medium length locs so my hair routine is pretty simple. I take off my bonnet, spray my hair with lavender water and seal in with an oil. Depending on my mood, I alternate between a messy bun, straight down, or a baseball cap.
Makeup
Makeup is a choice not a must but I do enjoy it. On the rough days, I do my brows, conceal under my eyes, mascara, chapstick, and sometimes a little highlighter for glow.
Hello 2023. I planned to jump back into posting as if I haven’t been gone forever. I thought it over and I should address my hiatus. I left my blog suddenly but not without remorse. I meant all that I said in my last post; I was hopeless to ever create again. In this time away, I’ve really been working on myself and soul searching trying to figure out what I need. I’m sure most of us can relate to this journey. I’m at that point in the movie where the character wakes up suddenly realizing there life isn’t what they expected and decide to make a grand change for their future *cue soundtrack*. I’m nowhere near where I wanna be but the fight to pursue has returned. I was hesitant about posting because I don’t want to promise content then hit a low and not deliver. Being back this time means random posts and even more honest truths. I would love for this to become my career but I had to answer the question of: if I never make a dime from this blog, would I still wanna do it? Yes ! I don’t do this just for me, I do this to share and connect with humans. To help in some way, try to provide hope and banish the darkness of our mental health struggles. If you’re not much of a reader, I also have a YouTube channel centered around similar topics. Feel free to check out: Talkingwithat on YouTube .
