DON’T HIDE: An honest moment about shame

Disclaimer: Healed self harm scars will be pictured at the end of this post. If you are easily triggered please refrain from looking at the image. It’s intended to promote growth in my journey. Thanks.

It’s the worst feeling to walk confidently into a room only to realize you are the center of attention but, not for the reasons you had hoped. Unfortunately, that scenario has been my reality far to many times. Imagine, your best friend’s wedding and you’re one of her treasured bridesmaids. Everyone is decked out in their dresses, adrenaline pumping because the music has begun, it’s show time. I was smiling on the outside but my stomach was churning on the inside; how in the hell was I gonna walk out into a room full of people ? Let alone people I didn’t know or hadn’t seen since college, what would they think of my arm ? My eyes welled up with tears as I began walking down the aisle; just keep swimming I repeated in my head. Long story short: I was ashamed but crushed that feeling by just doing what scared me- being seen.

Now, don’t be fooled I don’t always take charge of my shame. In fact, I’ve had many times where it won. I spent lots of awkward moments scanning a room for a familiar face or the nearest bathroom to hide in until I was able to talk myself down. Sometimes I wasn’t able to deal and I would just leave. I felt even more ashamed for not being able to stand in my truth and own it but, I’ve learned that i’m human and it’s ok to have moments like those.

I wish I could say that after struggling with self harm for almost 18 years I’ve become the perfect self-assured human but, how untrue that would be; an absolute lie. I would be doing myself and you a huge disservice by pretending i’ve mastered this whole recovery process; I have not. To be frank I have a shit ton of scars and in no way can I hide them nor should I feel I have too. My shame is perpetuated by this idea that anything less than perfect is unloveable or worthless. For my fellow self harmers please hear me when I say : DO NOT BE ASHAMED YOU ARE VALUABLE. Do not let your guilt or voices in this world be louder than the fighter in you. I promise you their will be those who talk about your scars, those who judge but, also those who love and want you well. Being ashamed of what you did to survive your battle doesn’t make you less than, it simply means you fought your way home. Dismantle shame by doing what scares you while understanding you’re human and deserve to be kind to yourself.

I know how much it hurts to be judged, I know what that does to your confidence but I just keep swimming right past the bullshit. I hope in some way I’ve helped someone struggling with shame. No matter what stage you’re in on your journey, just keep swimming. Feel free to connect with me on my instagram: talking_withat

Me and one of my dearest besties on her wedding day. To think shame almost kept me from this memory, I think not.